𝗧𝗥𝗨𝗠𝗣 𝗣𝗟𝗔𝗡𝗡𝗜𝗡𝗚 𝗧𝗢 𝗩𝗜𝗦𝗜𝗧 𝗧𝗛𝗘 𝗔𝗟𝗟𝗜𝗚𝗔𝗧𝗢𝗥 𝗦𝗛𝗜𝗧𝗛𝗢𝗟𝗘 𝗛𝗜𝗦 𝗔𝗗𝗠𝗜𝗡𝗜𝗦𝗧𝗥𝗔𝗧𝗜𝗢𝗡 𝗛𝗔𝗦 𝗣𝗥𝗘𝗣𝗔𝗥𝗘𝗗 𝗙𝗢𝗥 𝗠𝗜𝗚𝗥𝗔𝗡𝗧𝗦

               

I came back from car shopping to the news that Trump was planning to visit "Alligator Alcatraz," his planned shithole to house migrants, when it opens Tuesday.   

The detention center, fast-tracked by Florida Governor Ron "White Boots" DeSantis, a man who apparently saw Jurassic Park and thought, Hmm, but what if we made it more depressing, is nestled deep in the Everglades. Yes, the Everglades: that delicate, endangered ecosystem that scientists have spent decades begging us not to pave over with, say, tents full of imprisoned human beings.

But why let science ruin a good tent city?

The site sits on the bones of the Dade-Collier Training and Transition Airport, a project so ill-advised it was abandoned in the 1970s after someone pointed out that maybe, just maybe, draining a swamp the size of Connecticut to build an airport might have consequences. You’d think that would be the end of it, but here we are in 2025, turning it into the ugliest summer camp possible for asylum seekers.

According to state officials, by early July, just in time for hurricane season, how convenient, the center will have 5,000 beds ready. The term “bed” here is used generously, the same way you might refer to a yoga mat as “a mattress” if you were pitching a tent during a Category 4 storm.

Now, in case you were wondering whether plopping a detention center in the middle of a subtropical wildlife preserve filled with apex predators might cause, oh, I don’t know, a problem, don’t worry, Ron DeSantis has already turned it into a feature. “Clearly,” he said, as if auditioning for The Hunger Games, “if someone escapes, there’s a lot of alligators. No one’s going anywhere.”

It’s hard to tell if that was a joke or a selling point, but either way, it’s comforting to know that state security now relies on semi-aquatic reptiles. What could possibly go wrong?