A Not-So-Golden Oldie from the Sofa King~"How the Bitch Stole Christmas"

From the editor:  As relevant or irreverent as the day it was written, the following composition was submitted via Facebook inbox by the latent internet author "Sofa King."  With some hesitation, we post this Brownsville Yuletide fixture:

A Retelling of How the Bitch Stole Christmas

Every Brown
Down in Brownsville
Liked TSC-College a lot...

But the Bitch,
Who lived in Rio Viejo,
Did NOT!

The Bitch hated Brownsville! The whole TSC Mission!
Now, please don't ask why. No one quite knows the reason.
It could be her birth made her brown and not white.
It could be, perhaps, she got beat with a shoe every night.
But I think that the most likely reason of all
May have been that her heart was two sizes too small.

But,
Whatever the reason,
Her birth or the shoes,
She plotted and planned and continued to schmooze
Staring down from her cave with a sour, Bitchy frown
At the warm lighted windows below in their town.
For she knew every Brown down in Brownsville beneath
Was busy now, hanging a Juliet effigy wreath.

"And they're casting their ballots!" she snarled with a sneer.
"Tomorrow’s TSC-College! It's practically here!"
Then she growled, with her Bitch fingers nervously drumming,
"I MUST find a way to keep TSC-College from coming!"
For, tomorrow, she knew...

...All the Brown girls and boys
Would wake up bright and early. They’d vote out her boys!
And then! Oh, the Choice ! Oh, the choice! Choice! Choice! Choice!
That's one thing she hated! The CHOICE! CHOICE! CHOICE! CHOICE!

Then the Browns, young and old, would demand fees be decreased.
And they'd feast! And they'd feast!
And they'd FEAST! FEAST! FEAST! FEAST!
They would start questioning costs, and how they'd been fleeced
Which was something the Bitch couldn't stand in the least!

And THEN
They'd do something she liked least of all!
Every Brown down in Brownsville, the tall and the small,
Would stand close together, with College bells ringing.
They'd have TSC-itis. And the Browns would start singing!

They'd sing! And they'd sing!
AND they'd SING! SING! SING! SING!
And the more the Bitch thought of the Junior-College-Sing
The more the Bitch thought, "I must stop their TSC thing!
"Why for nineteen odd years I've put up with it now!
I MUST stop TSC College from coming!
...But HOW?"

Then she got an idea!
An awful idea!
THE BITCH
GOT A WONDERFUL, AWFUL IDEA!

"I know just what to do!" The Bitch Laughed in her throat.
And she made a quick Santy Claus hat and a coat.
And she chuckled, and clucked, "What a great Bitchy trick!
"With her coat and her hat, I'll look just like Saint Nick!"

"All I need is a fall guy..."
The Bitch looked around.
But since fall guys are scarce, there was none to be found.
Did that stop the old Bitch...?
No! The Bitch simply said,
"If I can't find a fall guy, I'll make one instead!"
So she called her dog Alan. Then she took some red thread
And she tied a big title on top of his head.

THEN
She acquired a plan
And some old empty sacks
On a ramshackle sleigh
And she hitched up her hacks.

Then the Bitch said, "Giddyap!"
And the sleigh started down
Toward the homes where the Browns
Lay a-snooze in their town.

All their windows were dark. Quiet snow filled the air.
All the Browns were all dreaming sweet dreams without care
When she came to the first house in the square.
"There is stop number one," The old Bitchy Claus hissed
And she climbed to the roof, evil plan in her fist.

Then she slid down the chimney. A rather tight pinch.
But if Santa could do it, then so could the Bitch.
She got stuck only once, for a moment or two.
Then she stuck her head out of the fireplace flue
Where the in-district tuition all hung in a row.
"In-district tuition," she grinned, "is the first thing to go!"

Then she slithered and slunk, with a smile most unpleasant,
Around the Board room, and she took every present!
Parking Lots! And Buildings! Professorships! Graduate gowns!
Libraries! Snack Bars! Book Stores! And Lawns!
And she stuffed them in bags. Then the Bitch, very nimbly,
Stuffed all the bags, one by one, up the chimney!

Then she slunk to the tax rolls. She took the Browns' feast!
She increased the tax rate! She took the tamale-roast beast!
She cleaned out those tax rolls as quick as a flash.
Why, that Bitch even took thousands for a self-serving bash!

Then she stuffed all the money up the chimney with glee.
"And NOW!" grinned the Bitch, "I’ll discredit trustees!"

And the Bitch blamed trustees, and she started to shove
When she heard a small sound like the coo of a dove.
She turned around fast, trouble stared to brew!
Little Adela whose years on the board had been few.

The Bitch had been caught by their little Brown daughter
Who'd got out of bed for a cup of cold water.
She stared at the Bitch and said, "Santy Claus, why,
"Why are you breaking our Partnership ? WHY?"

But, you know, that old Bitch was so smart and so slick
She thought up a lie, and she thought it up quick!
"Why, my sweet little tot," the fake Santy Claus lied,
"There's a trustee or two that won’t vote on my side.
"So I'm taking it home to the Regents, my dear.
"I'll fix it up there. Then I'll bring it back here."

And her fib fooled the board. Then she patted their heads
And she made up some bullshit and she sent them to bed.
And when Rene, Trey and Kiko went to bed with their cups,
SHE went to the chimney and stuffed the cash up!

Then the last thing she took
Was the log for their fire.
Then she went up the chimney herself, the old liar.
On their rolls she left nothing but eleven for hire.

And the one speck of cash
The she left in the house
Was a dime that was even too small for a mouse.

Then
She did the same thing
To the other Brown's houses

Leaving crumbs
Much too small
For the other Brown's mouses!

It’s the time in the story, you were waiting for when
I dishonorably mention that putz, DP/M
That talentless hack that still darkens our door
For readers and notice he continues to whore
With cucuy uncounted he continues his edict
“I’ve written this bullshit, so now you MUST read it!”
We continue our story from here to the end
With no further mention of DP slash M

It was quarter past dawn...
All the Browns, still a-bed
All the Browns, still a-snooze
When she packed up her sled,
Running the despicable game plan
That Wayne Moore had read.

Packed it up with their presents! The ribbons! The wrappings!
The tags! And the tinsel! The trimmings! The trappings!

Three thousand feet up! Up the side of Mount Crumpit,
She rode to the tiptop to dump it!
"The plan was so smart!" she was Bitch-ish-ly humming.
"They're finding out now that no TSC’s is coming!
"They're just waking up! I know just what they'll do!
"Their mouths will hang open a minute or two
"The all the Browns down in Brownsville will all cry BOO-HOO!"

"That's a noise," grinned the Bitch,
"That I simply must hear!"
So she paused. And the Bitch put a hand to her ear.
And she did hear a sound rising over the snow.
It started in low. Then it started to grow...

But the sound wasn't sad!
Why, that sound sounded merry!
It couldn't be so!
But it WAS merry! VERY!

She stared down at Brownsville!
The Bitch popped her eyes!
Then she shook!
What she saw was a shocking surprise!

Every Brown down in Brown-ville, the tall and the small,
Was singing! Without any presents at all!
She HADN'T stopped TSC College from coming!
IT CAME!
Somehow or other, it came just the same!

And the Bitch, with her Bitch-feet ice-cold in the snow,
Stood puzzling and puzzling: "How could it be so?
It came without Regents! Or Reba the Hag!
It came despite Putegnat's coauthored plan!
And she puzzled three hours, `till her puzzler was sore.
Then the Bitch thought of something she hadn't before!
"Maybe TSC College," she thought, "isn't something to whore."
"Maybe TSC College...perhaps...means a little bit more!"

And what happened then...?
Well...in Brownsville they say
That the Bitch's small heart
Is what gave her away.
And when her evil plan had been posted one night,
The board of trustees took offense at her slight,
They brought all the terms of the contracts to light.
And they brought back the toys! And the food for the feast!
And she...

...SHE HERSELF...!
The Bitch was carved up like a beast!

Rot in Hell, Julie! It's over! Good Night, Puta

Posted 24th December 2011 by Sofa King