BUYING A WEDDING GARMENT DOWNTOWN, UPTOWN OR ONLINE AS TRUMP CONTEMPLATES CLOSING THE BORDER

There they were, half a dozen lonely wedding gowns, squinched beside the long, XL onesie jumpsuits guys use to change oil on Tulipan Street of La Southmost.  None had the purity of white or even ivory, only beige, at best, or that catch-all category, off-white.  

The dresses had a long shelf history at Casa Anyer on E. Washington Street, mainly because they were all Size 4 or smaller, nothing suitable for a woman 5'6", with 36-1/2" bust, 28" waist and 39" hips.

Of course, there are always options, but Panchita's Bridal Boutique on the Expressway was quickly crossed off the list with only one not-so-favorable review:  "This lady... dont know her name, really was so rude.  I was looking at a mermaid one, but not exactly interested cuz i dont like mermaid, and she said in Spanish THAT DOESN'T FIT U and mom asked some questions and that lady answered so rudely."

  Not taking our bizness there!

Guys have it easier.  They can fight it out with all the local abogados at Dillard's Semiannual Half Price Men's Tailored Clothing Sale or just take the easy way out; buy some navy blue dress slacks to match the closet's oldest sport coat, adding a $5.95 accessory from Online Bow Tie Shop and they're good to go.

So easy, a caveman could do it(and frequently does).

There are gowns offered on Ebay, but they all come with a story, some nearly tragic.  Why would anyone be in possession of such a fine wedding garment, new with tags and a couple "smudges on the back?"  What happened?  Why was the garment never used and who smudged it?

 As the uptalking Valley Girls of the 80's liked to say:  "It's getting real!"