THE WIT AND WISDOM OF JAVIER R. GARCIA

Javier R. Garcia

Yesterday's article featured two brilliant photoshop efforts by Javier R. Garcia, one of Brownsville's young, burgeoning historians, currently employed as a personal assistant to Sandy Stillman.

We apologize for not paying more attention to the actual art work, choosing instead to deal with Javier's charge that we lacked a "sense of humor."

Having dealt with the "humorless" charge in an anecdotal way, let's move on to Javier's art, including the diatribes littering the second photoshop.

Javier's first effort is fairly generic, featuring my head on the base of the racist Confederate rock in Washington Park, topped by a Donald Trump wig hat.

This is an odd choice of art, by an odd man, since Trump would certainly oppose removing the Jefferson Davis stone, as does Javier, while I'm on record as favoring its removal.

Surely, Javier's linking of me with Trump is not based solely on ethnicity!  Wouldn't that be racist?  

Mr. Garcia's second photoshop insult provides more clues to his mindset, point of view and creativity.  Don't expect the witticisms Javier inserted into the art to make sense or logic.  That would be holding the bar far too high!

Bear with us as we analyze  a couple of Javier's insult phrases:

A.K.A. OL' FART-ON:  Actually, this insult is the brainchild of former City Commissioner Charlie Atkinson, who frequently referred to me as "Jim Farton," a childish funny about flatulence.  

Charlie and Javier, were likely huge Beavis and Butt-Head fans and never moved on.  

"Check out my butt!"-- Beavis

 A.K.A. Mean Mr. Brown-nose:  For this bit of cleverness, Javier has my nose covered in human excrement, descending into a pile under my chin.  

A reader comments that this description may more closely fit Javier himself:

"Hey Barton, you gotta admit the Mean Mr. Brown Nose was a good one, ironically coming from the Ultimate Brown Noser, Javier Garcia, the crowned winner at last year's Sombrero Fest once again, the one who can't get his nose, no wait, his entire face, unstuck from being so buried up Sandy Stillman's pioneer ass... not that there's anything wrong with that. 

History buffs and/or other Brown Nosers are said to be jealous that Javier's nose has access to 150 years of history every time Stillman lets loose a historic fart. The secret to his brown nosing skill? While others timidly venture the trembling tip of a flicking tongue around the fart box, the perennial champ approaches the hole with the confidence of a Nicklaus and the discipline of a Nietzsche. 

It's not much of a crowd pleaser, not like the old days when Bean Ayala and Ernie Hernandez dove between the cheeks with gusto. 

This year's Sombrero Fest crowd was not impressed. They'd seen this show before. Only four people witnessed the feat, including former champs Hernandez and Ayala. 

The crowds want a new winner, Ayala thought, but coming out of retirement was out of the question. His tongue was still firm and pliable, he thought, but his heart just wasn't into it."

Javier's boss, Sandy Stillman

We can't figure out the rest of Javier's wit and wisdom.  

It just seems a bit OFF.