Infants born prematurely respond to love. That has been documented over the years with many studies proving that love accelerates growth and development, physically and psychologically.
"I'm talking all about how to give
They don't act with much honesty
But you point the way to the truth when you say
All you need is love"
George Harrison
"All Those Years Ago"
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| Nena |
Not feeling maternal love can be crippling. There is self-blame.
"I must have done something to make my mother not love me."
Nena tried to win her mother's love for decades until things came to a head on her sister's porch a decade ago.
Nena's sister was in disbelief when told that "mom" had never shown her love.
"That's not true!" she shouted.
"Mom, tell her you love her!" she told Flora.
The old lady said nothing.
"Mom, give her a hug!" Nena's sister exclaimed.
The old lady remained emotionless, staring off into space.
"Let's go!" I said to Nena and, as we walked off.
"You can't make people love you!"
This old memory came back today because of my wife's melancholy mood. At 74, childhood issues still come to the surface.
"I know why my mother didn't love me," she started.
"You see, I was raised by my grandmother until I was about 5. Then, my parents wanted to take me with them to Germany where dad was assigned. I screamed and ran under the bed. My mom had to slap me so I would stop crying. I understand why she didn't love me. I rejected her first."
"That's bull shit!" I said.
"Your mother should have been mature enough to understand your feelings in being torn from the only family you knew at that point. That was an abrupt, dramatic change of circumstance you didn't understand. She should have understood your feelings," I replied.
"Yes, but I rejected her first," was Nena's response.
Great story Jim, thanks for sharing so intimate stuff. I do have a question though, you know a certain lady looking person with orange hair that has a huge combover to hide the obvious is going to come on this story and try posting all sorts of garbage.......but I am sure you know that.
ReplyDeleteI had love but I always knew my brother was preferred. Even though both are gone, I still feel the need for more love.
ReplyDeleteGreat story Jim.
Good story, Jim, though misguided analysis IMHO. Nena's tribal elders, much like mine, are probably old school and do not care to display affection in front of strangers, especially a Protestant hippie who disrespects his wife's mother as "the old lady" and an assimilated daughter who's shredding whatever dignity the "old lady" has by commanding her, like a dog, to shake hands, to roll over, to say "I love you." Nena should have known better and put a stop on this family intrusion. Nena's mother's crime was not not loving her, but of NOT SAYING it while you were there to force the issue. There is a time and a place for everything and that was not the time or the place. Unlike gringos and young millennials who stumble over each other on Facebook to declare how much they love their kids, old generation Mexicans will talk when they feel they need to (sometimes only on their deathbed), but most of the time just a look and a smile says more than empty spoken words.
ReplyDeleteJust to correct and clarify: Nena's mom was not the stoic, silent as you stereotype the older hispanic generation. She doted on her sons and other daughters. Also, Nena merely confided in her sister, not bringing up the issue in front of her mother. Her sister initiated that dialogue.
DeleteInterestingly, while I'm an agnostic, never a Protestant, as you claim, Nena's parents were Protestants, her father converting from Catholicism.
As to your description of me as a "hippie," I'm not sure I qualify. I've never used hallucinogenics, marijuana or even tobacco. My viewpoints are typically conservative on nonpolitical issues.
My reference to Nena's mom as an old lady was simply an accurate, neutral description, not in the sense that Spanish speakers use the word vieja.
Jim, you didn't tag her mother with the indefinite article "AN old lady" which would have been a whimsical and judgement-free, neutral description of Nena's mother, but with an index-pointing definite article: "THE old lady" as if she were sitting on a park bench with some poor old sod named Aqualung.
DeleteRegardless of Nena's mother's reason for not showing affection, it still hurts. My mother in law was also raised by parents that were not very affectionate and did not express their love. I know my Anglo ass was raised by a loving grandmother, my mother was not ready to be a mom when she had me. She also was not affectionate and we have a messed up mother daughter relationship to this day. Please tell Nena she is not alone, and I am sure she is a better mother than than hers.
ReplyDeleteRegardless of Nena's mother's reason for not showing affection, it still hurts. My mother in law was also raised by parents that were not very affectionate and did not express their love. I know my Anglo ass was raised by a loving grandmother, my mother was not ready to be a mom when she had me. She also was not affectionate and we have a messed up mother daughter relationship to this day. Please tell Nena she is not alone, and I am sure she is a better mother than than hers.
ReplyDeleteIt hurts. Thanks for being brave enough to talk about this. The holidays are the worst. When other people share their stories, I feel less alone TY
ReplyDelete