Republican Santorum Has No Sympathy for the Devil

by Jim Barton on Thursday, February 23, 2012 at 11:21pm ·

     
      They may not be the most cerebral flock of candidates, but the Republican presidential hopefuls do make headlines.  The latest was Rick Santorum's regurgitated speech singling out Satan the Devil as a serious threat to America.  The remarks brought back some lingering questions I've carried around for some time about the Great Adversary.   Fortunately, at the Sombrero Fest, we ran into someone expert in all things Satan, Doc Scully of the Doc Scully Blues Band.

     Scully was gracious enough to submit to an interview in the hot February sun.  "Mr.Scully. . ."   "No, Doc is fine."  "Ok then, Doc.  First of all, do you think Santorum's characterization of Satan is fair?"

     Doc tossed his empty taco plate into the recycling barrel and briefly pondered his response.  "Let's just say that Satan is misunderstood.  He's essentially a businessman.  He bends a few rules not unlike Ernie Hernandez, but he's not out to hurt people."

     "Where did you two first meet, if I may ask?"

     "Well, this may surprise you," Doc began, "but in high school I was just an average musician.   No one would have seen standing ovations at the Crescent Moon in my future.  But I took matters into my own hands, drove to Memphis, turning south on Highway 61.  It was eerie passing all those antebellum houses with their slave quarters in back, but I kept going, thinking about the Freedom Riders and the slain Medgar Evers.  I didn't stop till I got out of my car at the crossroads with Hwy 49.  That was where I first saw Lucifer."

      "What did he say to you?" I asked.  "No, I spoke up first.  Even as a kid, I wasn't shy.  I told him I wanted world class skills in two things in exchange for my soul.  Music was my first request.  The other skill?  Well, let's just say I hear no complaints, "  Doc said with a devilish grin.  "The curious thing is if he'd done a simple background check, he'd would have known my soul was in the bag, but this cherubic face fooled him."

     "Well," I started, my curiosity aroused, "what about original sin and Satan tempting the first Barbie and Ken in the Garden?  Is the devil not guilty of ruining things for planet Earth?"   "Look", Scully started.  "All Satan did was ask a rhetorical questiion, a viewpoint question.  He simply asked "Is it really true you guys are not allowed to pick any fruit?  He never dreamed Eve would go all crazy and eat forbidden fruit from the tree in the middle of the garden.  We all know God said that was off limits.  I mean they were his trees.  Geez!  Look, it's just like when Mitt Romney asks:  "Are you better off than you were four years ago?"  He's just planting a thought.  He doesn't think you're foolish enough to go off and vote for him."

     "Of course, all that misunderstanding was patched up milleniums ago.  Now, Satan is one of God's most trusted employees.  God judges.  Satan is in charge of punishment and confinement.  I know in the old movies he's depicted with a pitch fork to throw combustibles on the fire, but Carrier installed climate control back in the 60's.  He can turn up the heat with the twist of a dial."

     "So all of this rhetoric about Satan being America's greatest threat is hogwash?" I asked.  "Not exactly," Doc continued.  "Satan is sitting on a veritable treasure chest of fossil fuels, not to mention geothermal.  The only way the United States can achieve energy independence is if the Shining One turns loose of all that energy and shuts Hell down."

"Wow!  I never knew!"  "Yeah, and for some of us, there would be an added side benefit,"  Doc added before walking off.